Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Randomize
