i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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