Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
My breasts were aching with rage.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
