I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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