So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
