I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize
