I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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