We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
