Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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