soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
