I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
