she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Randomize
