You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
