We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Randomize
