We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
