My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
