I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
