Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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