I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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