He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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