My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
