threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
