I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
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