I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I just blew my weed a kiss
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
