I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
