I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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