There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
