capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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