if i can run in heels then i can drive
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
