I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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