i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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