Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
