see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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