Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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