She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
