I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
