just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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