I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Randomize
