Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Potential corruption. He's 19.
Get them while they're young!
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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