Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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