cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
