sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
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