She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
