I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
