Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
so much tequila, so little girl.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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