i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize