I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
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