Someone shit on the floor
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
