I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
