MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
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