Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
