I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize