I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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