I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Randomize
